If You Want Apples, Buy Apples
--
“Hey, remember that part of Donnie Darko where he was criticizing that stupid line thing the teacher gave them, about how you can’t just put emotions or problems or goodness or whatever into a simple two part line system?”
“I’ve never seen Donnie Darko.”
“What? Oh, man, you aren’t living!”
This was something that Ronald had been told before.
“Yes, Dave, I know. We’ll watch it some time,” he said.
Dave was still pretty psyched up about Donnie Darko, though. “Oh, it is so good. You’ll love it. So there’s this one part-“
”Dave, don’t tell me. Let me see it for myself.”
“Fine.”
There was a silence between them for a moment. They were eating lunch in an empty church. It was cold and hollow. They were both ravenous.
“What have you got?” Dave asked.
Ronald opened his plastic shopping bag. “Just a sandwich and some fruit.”
“Hey, you wanna trade an apple for my pear?” Dave asked.
“What do you think this is, primary school?”
“Hey, I was just asking.”
“If you want apples, buy apples.”
Again there was silence, and the plosive “P” from Ronald’s words reverberated around the nave a bit. The church itself was mostly stone with large flowing tapestries set about 5 feet up all around the church. The apse area around the alter was particularly plush, lined with velvet drapes, carpeted in red, and with giant banners hanging overhead.
Dave finished his lunch and threw his bag, with pear core inside, onto the altar. Ronald followed suit. They each gave a little bow in front of the cross.
Looking somewhat grave, they gave each other a little nod and, without saying a word, went about their work. Dave took a box of matches from his pocket and began lighting them, one by one, and placing them, still burning, just beneath the heavy drapes and on the altar’s cotton runner. Ronald took a small lighter out of his pocket and preceded to hold it up to the giant tapestries along the walls, setting each one ablaze. There was a large one in the center of the church with a picture of St. Benedict, the patron of the church. He passed away in a dazzling show of flame and heat.
When the church was sufficiently lit up, they exited through the window which they had broken to get in and crossed the street to stand and watch the show.
As they waited there, watching as windows burst open and flames leapt out, a small crowd gathered, and eventually the fire department arrived. No one questioned Dave or Ronald, and when the fire had been put out, they simply walked away.
“I’m still hungry,” Dave said.
—
Dave described himself, quite rightly, as an grumpy old queen. He wasn’t particularly old, but he was certainly a queen of the highest degree. His friends had even given him a crown as a joke for his birthday one year.
Ronald had been with three separate girlfriends in the past 2 weeks, and indeed each still thought that they were his girlfriend, that is, his only girlfriend. Ronald never felt the need to tell one about the others.
They were hardly immoral people, at least by normal standards; they just burned churches. And they shot up heroin, but only sometimes, and just when they were really bored.
Dave had been a priest for the Church of England once. In fact, his first time with heroin was the day he was ordained. You’ve got to celebrate somehow, right?
But drug usage was just something that Dave did for fun, and when he met Ronald they only did it as a social thing, like drinking. Except Dave didn’t drink. It was alright, though, Ronald drank enough for both of them.
They were sitting in a practically empty bar, not talking. This wasn’t surprising, as it was about 11 o’clock in the morning. A television in the corner buzzed with inanities. Someone in the bathroom was puking loudly, which was surprising, because it was 11 o’clock in the morning.
The announcer on the TV reported a news story that a local church, St. Benedict by the River, was going to hold a “get out the vote” rally in two days, encouraging its patrons to vote in the upcoming election. Ronald shot a glance at Dave.
“Three in a week?” Dave asked.
“Well, it is election time,” he said.
“I know, but still, this can’t go on forever.”
“If they can go on forever, then we can.”
“I don’t know. It still seems wrong.”
“Wrong? You were the one who convinced me into this whole thing in the first place!”
Dave stood up. “Fine. Fine then, I guess we have to, right?”
“Right or wrong, I don’t care.”
“Well, then how else do you want me to ask for your acquiescence, my liege? Should I say ‘n’est-ce pas’ instead?”
Ronald downed the rest of his gin and tonic and stood as well. “Whatever, let’s go.”
Dave put his hand on his stomach, which made a little gurgle. “But I’m hungry,” he said.
“Fine, then we’ll get something on the way.”
—
Arson was not something befitting a priest. It was something more befitting an ex college professor, which is what Ronald had done in past years.
Dave and Ronald walked out of a broken down door to a tall and narrow church which was sparking and spluttering with flame behind them. It was their first time burning a church.
“This really easier than it should be,” Dave said.
“I don’t know if I like this very much,” Ronald said. “I don’t even know how you can do this to places you used to preach at.”
“Well, they kicked me out, remember? Apparently they don’t like heroin abusing queer priests.”
“Well, yes, they don’t seem to like that much. You didn’t even molest a little kid or anything though. I don’t see what the problem was.”
“Neither did I. That was the issue, remember?”
Ronald nodded. They stood back to watch the building go up in flame. “Do you think Judas is in heaven?” he asked.
“Undoubtedly,” Dave said. “He was just doing God’s will, right?”
“You don’t think church burning is God’s will or anything crazy like that do you?”
“Oh, no, don’t be silly. I’m sure God thinks that we both dirty little sinners.”
—
The election had not gone well. Some conservative right-wing crazy was elected governor, and he promised to fund faith-based programs, ban gay marriage, increase statewide security, and go to church every Sunday. Ronald and Dave received the news in their local dive bar from the same television which informed them of most current events.
Polls indicated that recent persecution against Christians had motived many to come out and vote who otherwise might have not. This persecution, it was reveled, was described as the recent arson at local churches. Dave and Ronald groaned.
“We can’t seem to get anything right, can we? I thought burning them would get them to shut up for once,” Ronald said.
“First they go about stomping on everyone else’s feet, and then start crying about it when someone sneezes at them.”
“You know, they asked for it in the first place. I mean, isn’t that in the bible or something that it is good to be ‘persecuted’?”
“Matthew chapter 4. Verses 12-14 I think. Blessed are those who are persecuted for their faith, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” Dave never thought is bible classes from seminary would ever come in handy like this.
“I don’t even care that this guy won,” Ronald said, “I just hate that they keep trying to boss everyone around.”
“Well, that’s why we started doing this in the first place, right?”
“I don’t know about you, but I started this because those damn crazies at St. Hugh’s wanted to teach creationism in public schools.”
“Ah, you’re too political about this stuff,” Dave said. “Religion isn’t about politics, it is about hating yourself. Well, hating yourself just enough to love your neighbor.”
“Didn’t you used to be a priest?”
“Oh, that, right. It was nice while it lasted.”
They each took a pull of their drink. Ronald had a gin and tonic, Dave’s poison was grape juice.
“Do you think he’s necessarily an evil man?” Ronald asked, pointing at the smiling politician on the screen.
“Meh, I don’t know. Are we evil men?”
“We burn churches in our spare time.”
“Why does that make us bad?”
The sat and stared at each other for a moment. The TV newsperson announced that the new governor elect’s first call after he and his wife found out about the election was to his parish pastor, Fr. Busey, vicar at St. Anne’s church. Ronald and Dave didn’t say anything, downed their drinks, and put on their jackets to leave.
“Hey,” Dave said as they were leaving, “you want to watch Donnie Darko tonight?”
“Sure,” Ronald said. “We’ll pick it up after we do this.”
“Ok. And let’s stop at the store first,” Dave said, “I’m famished.”
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