Entry 1
and the whole mess of roads we're now on."
I don’t profess to know the origin of this quote, however, it should not matter; a rumination on our already fleeting youth and our boundless futures (so we tell ourselves). So then, what of them? I certainly know myself having imagined infinite alternate realities, of excessively drunk college parties and a certain manner of living for college life. And yet, here I find myself sitting, drinking a stiff drink, on a Saturday night at 10:36 pm, the date being 9/10/05, two weeks in or so. Where are these endless parties? Where are the hijinks that television and film taught me about? I think about this a recall two things: we see only the highlights of the character’s lives, and of course, real life is more benign, in general than these false realities. And yet, this is still not satisfactory. I know that there are other people out there doing these nightly parties, and that I am, to a certain extent, a bit of a nerd or recluse or whatever one might call it, primarily for being home on a Saturday night, writing a short piece on aging and otherwise. Ironically, we find ourselves most fearing aging when the process is already begun with no turning back, but this is for another essay, perhaps.
I refill my glass. So, then, what stories will I have about these years? What grand tales will I tell to my (supposed) children as they turn of age enough to drink, that I might show them that their father himself was a bit of an animal at their age, that I was, yes yes yes, a human being? These stories do not stick out now, of course, they feel, in fact, more like half completed desirings and actions, made complete by the passage of time. Perhaps I’ll tell them of the time I lost my glasses on a forgotten bike ride at 3 AM, one that resulted in scars and bruises; perhaps I’ll bore them with my tales of Fantasies and the Burger King parking lot. It is interesting how these stories seem much more entertaining in hindsight, that I cannot even appreciate them properly as they happen. Perhaps a resolution is needed.
I kick around ideas in my head, as often as possible; I think hard and long. The best that a person can say about our paths, divergent though they may be, is that we must stick to what works and abandon what does not, and not try to make the best of a particular path unless certain other things outweighing our dreams outweigh them (which, though disappointing to one as me, we must still consider valid, as not all can be perfect). Still this is not enough. Further thought. A tentative resolution is reached: we must act twofold. Act as though every moment were our last with the limiting resolution that we as well must act as if every moment this life that is our last would also last infinitely. These seem to contradict, and, for the most part do, unless clarification is achieved. The lesson and idea therein is to do what we desire most which is full of our dreams and passions, not simply lusting for what is truly empty, to take with a grain of salt that which truly does not matter. At the same time, we must stop our hurry, we must take it easy, and allow ourselves to relax, to enjoy every moment, to live every second, not simply desiring a later moment in exchange for this one.
I grow long winded; perhaps a short somewhat anecdote? Ahhh, were it so easy. Perhaps, though, the best way, and most full of regret, for some, at least me, is to think of high school. Think of it now. All these moments, which we were free but limited ourselves, through our own fear, through our own self consciousness. No job, few responsibilities (this facet changes person to person, but, as a whole, the responsibilities are, at least, more benign at this time), much free time. Grades? Well nigh meaningless until the end. And yet, many of us, specifically, myself, wasted this great freedom. Is endless regret in order? Not necessarily; the best result from mistakes or wasted opportunities is learning, and if a person does not learn from their past, we properly label them a fool. Have I reached a conclusion? No. But, that’s the point.
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